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Beyond Sobriety

 

            Beyond Sobriety: The Work of Emotional Recovery:

   Origins of Anger, Emotional Abuse, and Covert Family Violence

                      

 

Definitions:

• Emotional Abuse:  Anything less than nurturing is abuse.

This is the information that saved my life. I wanted to write about what I learned and how it impacted me and changed my understanding and hence my experience in my relationship with myself and others, so profoundly.

When I was able to understand what happened to me, as well as the origins of my parents' wounds the awesome result was I then could genuinely feel compassion for myself and for them and have healthy boundaries to prevent further injury. And most importantly be a part of stopping the multigenerational abuse continuum. 

The reasons for addiction are many, but the emotional charge that underlies the obsession and compulsion of such behaviors is remarkably similar. An adult, even in recovery, may suppress unresolved and often-unrecognized trauma from childhood experiences and its energetic residue is extremely toxic.

This is the case whether the abuse was physical, sexual, verbal, mental or emotional. The latter three forms of violence are often denied, or minimized, so there is no awareness at a conscious level of the damage that was perpetrated, although the spirit and the soul of the child is severely affected and without education and help, results in a damaged adult.

Similar to an undiagnosed abscess, which sends toxins throughout the body, this wounded-ness manifests toxic emotions. When a child's boundaries are violated, the sense of self is critically damaged. It can happen in a number of ways and reveals itself on a continuum from physical violation, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional violence (name-calling, shaming, put-downs) to failure to meet a child's needs for validation and support because the parent is so needy himself/herself.

When a child was threatened or verbally punished for crying "Don't cry", "I'll give you something to cry about", i.e. was punished for feeling, that individualwill then as a parent, have that reaction resurface when his/her own child cries. Since no one was there to rescue him/her from the abuse, in order to make sense of the violence, he/she will normalize it.  

For example, if he got yelled at and put down for making a mistake as a kid, the chances are, he will yell at his own kids or spouse, that is, be verbally abusive when they appear to screw up. The unconscious reaction is to resort to the familiar. A child whose parents treated her as a burden, an object, neglected or denied her needs, will inevitably feel that way about her children on the deepest levels.

 She may become over-involved or enmeshed in an effort to "not be like her parents". Caretaking others, or conversely immunity to the suffering of those closest, is a byproduct of emotionally abusive treatment in childhood.

 The consequent anger and resentment festers, and if not dealt with, becomes rage which is acted out, displaced and/or passed on to others who are vulnerable, or acted in through self-destructive behaviors, depression and other forms of dis-ease.  Since these wounds are unconscious, and the symptoms; the lashing out, depression, moodiness, etc. are simply accepted or denied, (altered baseline tolerance for abuse) it can continue for generations.

Until there is understanding about what truly nurturing parenting and relationships consist of, followed by sustained personal work to recognize the triggers for re-enacting the abuse, the reasons and excuses for covert violence prevail as the norm.

 It is not uncommon for alcoholics, rage-aholics and addicts of all types to deny and minimize the effect of their behavior on others.  This is a direct result of denial of the violence that occurred in childhood.

 Even with years of sobriety and working the 12Steps there is often a lack of awareness of the effects of abuse and it continues to feed multigenerational addiction and codependency. Adult Children of Alcoholics attempts to address those issues, with some success, but mainstream AA remains largely resistant.

 

The gateway to chemical dependency, be it alcohol, drugs, food or tobacco, and disease are negative emotions, which poison not only the body of the person experiencing them, but also the atmosphere for everyone involved.

When the toxic feelings aren't being stuffed with the drug of choice, they are even more evident. In addition, a person who is behind a drug, alcohol, food addiction, anger addiction or codependency has simply not learned to be in relationship with themselves or others in a consistently compassionate and authentic way.

 

 

 

To be authentic with yourself and others means taking responsibility for yourself, owning your emotional set point, and having spiritual, emotional, mental and physical boundaries to maintain your wellbeing.

Healthy selfishness allows for saying "no" regardless of the consequences to the ego. It means giving only from a place of integrity, and from a value-system which prioritizes your energy, so it is first of all sufficient for your wellbeing and then to meet the needs of family and loved ones. 

The "hole in the soul" created by childhood trauma results in feeling defective, feeling bad about yourself. Since there is "nobody home", your self-worth is defined by others, and by your actions. (Damaged parents cannot validate the uniqueness and special qualities of their children, since they didn't have that done for them, and haven't done the work to re-parent themselves in a compassionate way).

              You become a human doing, rather than a human being.

 

"People-pleasing" results from a lack of boundaries, and inevitably creates a victim/offender* dynamic. Actions are usually directed to feed the ego, or to feed a dependency, such as adult children enmeshed with a parent or vice versa. Depending on positive feedback from others and from the world is used to bolster a defective self-image.

 

This leaves little energy left over for healthy self-care and to comfort or attend to those closest, except in the most superficial and inconsistent way, and then often with anger, or resentment.

 If you were the child or the spouse in this relationship, you probably interpreted this inattention and distance from a parenting figure as because you were inadequate, since this behavior quite frankly says, "Other people are more important than you, and my happy face and energy are reserved for them."

For a parent who is wounded/shame-based, it is much easier to "look good at a distance" (Snoopy adage), than to risk true intimacy which involves being confronted with his/her failings. The fragile ego of the wounded adult child, does not allow for being wrong, or being faced with the truth about defects as a father, mother or friend.

Hiding out in people-pleasing becomes an addictive way of life. Resentment flourishes from having no boundaries. Consequently blow-ups in the home or lashing out at family members occur as a result, since "No" can't be said to the outside world without losing the all-important status as "a great guy/gal". 

This again sends the message that family, those closest, are secondary; to be used and abused. A writer whose characters demonstrate healthy relationships has one of her protagonists saying: "Of course you have a right to be angry, but you don't have the right to take that anger out on those who love you- it's natural to do that, but it's not right." (Nora Roberts, Sanctuary, pg. 354)

 

 

*A person who is allowing himself or herself to be victimized and not dealing with it will inevitably pass that pain on to the next vulnerable person; (one partner feels victimized at work, comes home and lashes out at the other partner who subsequently lashes out at the kids who hit the dog).

 

Bill Cosby, speaking on an Oprah show said it this way. "Hurt people hurt people." (Oprah show, 2007)

 

 Having someone respond to your needs, or take care of your needs with anger, or resentment, is violence.

 

 

The belief system this sets up is:

• Your needs are excessive, inappropriate or not as important as someone else's
• Lack of emotional security: since asking for what you want and need might lead to emotional abuse (boundary-less people get angry at the person who asked them to do what they don't want to do because they don't know how to say "no")"how could you ask for…….that's asking for too much…..etc", instead of  "Thank you for asking me for …………, but that doesn't fit for me to do that at this time".**see nonviolent communication in 2B Workbook
• Dysfunctional communication that is based on power and control (the wounded adult felt powerless in childhood, so seeks out vulnerable people for relationships so he/she can be in power.) Communication is about winning and losing, rather than compassionate interaction-give and take.

 

 This emotional violence and abusive behavior is simply an escape from doing the inner work to deal with the everyday challenges of life, i.e.

 

"My pain is more important than your feelings and I refuse to do the personal work to learn to deal with the underlying toxic emotional build-up that makes me need to hide in a bottle, eat compulsively, be rageful, smoke, continually complain or be overly busy."  

Busy-ness is often used as a way to avoid confrontation or uncomfortable emotions-"feelings can't hit a moving target".

 

 

The Problem:

 

• The resentment and anger, which underlies non-nurturing behavior, generates toxic fall-out. Parents who have not had their own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs met, and have not learned appropriate self-care in adulthood, become resentful of the needs of their children and partners, especially when they are under stress.

 

 

• When you feel as if you're drowning (which is how a "hole-in-the-soul person feels when confronted by daily stress) you don't want someone crawling on your back asking you to save them. Instead of having healthy boundaries where you would say "I don't have the energy to meet your needs right now", you either deny the need, "You don't need that" , or  fix feelings "You shouldn't feel that way….." or shame the needy one….."Shape up…….".
• Children involved are thus diminished, and damaged. They inevitably feel their parents' anger or distance as their fault. They feel inadequate at a deep level. Children raised in this dysfunctional environment become hyper vigilant and develop survival strategies of manipulation and denial in order to feel in control in the presence of uncontrollable emotions and emotional abuse.
• They absorb the negative energy into their bodies and subconscious mind. They watch uncomfortable emotions being stuffed or drugged, or blamed on someone else, rather than learning self-responsibility and emotional agility. Emotional agility refers to the ability to recognize and deal with negative emotions without shame, blame or guilt i.e. "I feel sad, hurt…." etc. rather than, "He made me……" "You never…….."

 

• Lack of self-worth leads to acceptance of inappropriate behavior in relationships, as the adult/child has developed a lowered baseline tolerance for the kind of treatment that they deserve from others.
• Premature sexual acting out and sexual addiction is one result of a child's desperate seeking for the attention and nurturing they missed from parents.

The Solution:

 

• Developing into a fully integrated, emotionally healthy person means learning how to deal with resentment, sadness, disappointment and hurt without beating yourself up, or someone else. Addiction is an act of violence toward the self. In addition, the witnesses to that violence, i.e. family members, are affected deeply.
• If adults around you were preoccupied with their own difficulties, abandonment issues are a consequence. When a parent is not present physically and emotionally for reasons such as narcissism, addiction, addiction to anger, codependency, workaholism, illness or death, the child interprets that as something being wrong with him or her.

• Children model self-care (or lack thereof) from their primary caregivers. They learn to judge themselves as worthy or unworthy, depending on how they are treated by parenting figures.

• Children of narcissistic parents who fail to trace the source of their feeling invisible to the parents' self-involvement will inevitably develop extreme behaviors or codependent enmeshment in a vain attempt to be seen.

 Family of origin work involves correcting this interpretation and creating a healthy self-image.

 

• Developing positive self-esteem begins with feeling valued by your earliest caregivers, and has nothing to do with material things. It has everything to do with being noticed for your distinct characteristics, being praised for your efforts and being allowed to make mistakes without feeling ashamed or being punished verbally, (being yelled at or put down is violence) emotionally, (comparing you to another who is "better"), or physically. It means that performing and looking good to the outside world is not important.
• Rather, importance and attention is paid to the inner qualities and uniqueness of each individual. Differences are honored rather than criticized. If you didn't have that experience in childhood, you can get help to reparent yourself with healthy mothering and fathering relationships in adulthood. This means having older mentors, counsellors and friends who give positive feedback, nonjudgmental support and are actively committed to your wellbeing.

•  Adult/Children may have been forced into adulthood too early by needy parents, as a substitute for an absent spouse (absent in reality or absent through addiction). They may also be enabled to remain emotionally or financially dependent to meet the parents' need for relationship. It is the adult child's responsibility in recovery, with good professional help, and a strong support network, to identify and correct this imbalance.

• Children should not be used to meet the needs of their parents, but rather honored as individuals in their own right. Parents therefore have a responsibility to examine their motives for involvement in activities with their kids to ensure whose needs are really being met.
• Healthy parents get their needs for support and friendship from other adults, and not from their children. Using children for support is seductive for the child, as they feel important, but is ultimately crippling and disempowering.

 

• As a parent and in all your close relationships, it's your responsibility to set priorities so that there is the energy and time to be fully present as often as possible, and to take ownership when distracted, stressed, ill or otherwise not physically or emotionally present.

• Validating another's feelings of loss, anger or sadness is important. This needs to be done without bargaining or fixing his/her feelings. The integration and ownership of feelings, is crucial as the foundation for development of self-responsibility. "You made me feel…..when you……" creates a victim mentality.
• Allowing children to acknowledge what they're feeling- sad, mad, hurt etc. and then supporting them to give an appropriate voice to the feelings, rather than stuff them or act them out, means a lifetime of freedom from codependency.

• Acting with integrity in relationships means owning your limitations and having healthy boundaries. There is always choice involved. For example when leaving for an activity or work, a better way than saying "I have to ……go do this….." (therefore you don't have the right to be angry, sad, etc. ), is to acknowledge (to a child or adult/ child "I am making a choice to do……, and its your choice how you react to what I do or don't do." This teaches empowerment.
•  In addition, it's important to teach  by example to not accept unacceptable behavior.  Demonstrating, by actions, rather than words, how to recognize and leave a toxic environment, is crucial. Adults and children can then learn to be authentic, that is, not to abandon themselves because of fear or a desire to please another (codependency).  

Child and Adult Child are mostly interchangeable in the above scenarios as childhood dramas are replayed in adult relationships until you do this inner work.

 

 

Personal Work

 

Family of Origin Work involves becoming aware of how you were parented. This is not done from a perspective of blaming. It is a process of seeing and accepting yourself and your parents as fallible humans. It requires self-honesty and compassion as you identify your strengths and your less-than-wonderful traits and behaviors.

The intention is to look for the positive gifts from your parents, as well as to not minimize the areas of abuse and neglect. You will do that as well when looking at your own behavior towards others through the years.

You've probably said "I'll never be like that" referring to a parental model. The reality is that unless you recognize how you are "like that", and have a process for daily working through your emotional triggers, you will continue the cycle of abuse.

 

This essential personal work identifies areas of wounded-ness in your parents' lives that resulted in the passing down of abusive behaviors and negative messages. Re-parenting yourself in this way is powerful. 

As you find the areas of lack in nurturing, in self-esteem building, (from parents who had low self-esteem themselves), you begin to understand why you don't feel important to the world in a meaningful way. E.g. if you were unwanted, unplanned or born at a time of stress in your parents' lives you would have picked up the message that your needs were excessive, that you had to act out to be noticed, or that you should take care of your parents rather than the reverse.

 

 

Nonviolent Communication

 

Integrity in communication is a learned skill that is essential for healthy living. This involves learning to give positive feedback, as well as talking to others when there is conflict. Talking about others is often substituted for learning and practicing effective communication skills.

When children live in a home where there is violent silence (stuffed emotions/anger/bottled rage), displacement (kick the dog or horse), resentment and blaming modeled, they absorb and internalize the energy.

This results in eating disorders, addiction, depression, asthma, allergies, and/or externalizing their pain with rage, addiction, and displaced anger onto pets and other children. Adults often deny or displace anger with socially acceptable addictions such as smoking, busy-ness, (feelings can't hit a moving target), chronic dieting, and other compulsive behaviors.

 

• The danger of stockpiling resentments, from when you get whacked by life means you need to have a regular practice of writing and having a safe (non-family) person to talk with. When you've felt like a victim or have been unable to let go of hurt feelings, make a phone call and work through the reasons for your reaction with a member of your support system.
• Daily clearing of the buildup of toxic emotions such as anger, resentment, fear and shame interrupts the pattern which causes you to want to explode at someone, turn the anger on yourself, or distract yourself with compulsive behaviors.

 

The seduction to displace unresolved feelings on those people and animals around you who are vulnerable is powerful

Addictive behaviors are a substitute for emotional maturity. Shaming, blaming and focus on perceived shortcomings of others are used to deflect attention from your own character flaws. Morbid self-flagellation is also used to avoid self-responsibility. Addictive personalities feel inadequate and this must be dealt with continually, to avoid passing it on. The use of criticizing and putting others down, as a way of making yourself feel bigger needs to stop.

 Truly secure people concentrate on cleaning up their own act, on a daily basis. Taking responsibility for being less than perfect;  "I really acted like a jerk", "I need to apologize (no matter what the other person did to you) for my behavior", "I felt hurt when you……"  are all signs of a healthy, mature, integrated  personality. Kindness towards yourself and others is then resurrected from its dysfunctional perception as weakness, to awareness of its transcendent power. The words of the Dalai Lama are:  "My religion is kindness".

 

***See examples of "Nonviolent Communication" in The 2B Workbook

 

 

"My grievances hide the light of the world in me" (Course in Miracles)                                                                                                                                                         

 

Forgiveness for Yourself and Others

 

Healing modalities that address body/mind/emotions/spirit all have as an essential component of taking responsibility for your life, a process for forgiveness for yourself and others.  It is essential to heal the shame that blocks true intimacy.

Intimacy means being transparent, being unashamed of being perceived as flawed or imperfect, regardless of the situation or the others involved. Untreated addictive behavior requires you to be "10 feet tall and bulletproof", that is to not admit to any weakness or lack, and if something happens that puts a chink in that persona, to blame someone or something, rather than say, "I screwed up", and have that be ok.

An integrated person will not accept being blamed or punished for human errors. Rather you simply admit the wrong, accept responsibility and are willing to do what is necessary for repair, be it emotional, verbal, or physical harm that has been done.

This requires being mindful of the boundaries of others and being emotionally present to others' feelings.  Saying "I was just kidding", or "You're too sensitive", when confronted by another's expression of hurt, is violence, and unacceptable.

 

 

 

 

       

  To Be Free of:

Resentment, Anger, Fear

 

§         Blocked energy/resistance radiates out from a central issue, usually an underlying fear which covers up some old hurt and sadness.

§         Since hurt and sadness makes you feel vulnerable, you cover that up with anger.

§         Revisiting the issue, talking about it and re-feeling it (resentment) every time you talk about it, builds up more blocked negative energy. 

§         This hurt and sadness results in your interpretation of yourself as unworthy.

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Rage

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Resentment

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Anger

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Fear

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Sadness

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Hurt

 

**see process for clearing negative emotions in: The 2B Workbook

Since anger feels more powerful than hurt, sadness and fear, it's used to cover up those feelings. It is, however, a false power and destroys rather than strengthens. The person who is angry "drinks poison and waits for the other person to die". This description is used in mind-body medicine to illustrate the life-destroying effect of untreated addiction to anger.                                                                                                                    .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

 

When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, and you can see the frightened child-it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge.

And you so can.

The Universe

 

…..Besides, your happiness, abundance, health and friendships are not dependent on how others behave.

TUT

 

 

The 12-Steps refer to the substance of abuse or dysfunctional behavior only one time. The remainder of the work is mental/emotional/relational/spiritual healing, which is meant to be a lifetime process. "To live, we had to be free of anger" (The AA Big Book).  Research in mind-body medicine is evidence for the role that untreated toxic emotions play in disease of all kinds, not just addiction. Having a daily practice of mindfulness and clearing, not stuffing, negative feelings, is essential to well being.

 

 

"If the world is being done to you, you are a victim, and if the world is being done by you, you are free" (Gary Renard interview, Healing With The Masters)

 

 

This is simply an overview of the work to identify, understand and heal the childhood wounds that negatively impact on your relationships with yourself and others.  There are many great resources available to support you and your loved ones as you develop healthier, more compassionate ways to relate to yourself, and to the world.

                       You're worth it!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About the Author

I've been free from an eating disorder and addiction for over 30 years. I practice and teach wellness of body, mind and emotions from a spiritual perspective. My passion is helping others to achieve optimum health, emotional freedom, peace of mind and an enhanced connection with Source energy. Your body is your soul's address.

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admin posted at 2006-11-5 Category: Mascara